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Saturday, February 09, 2013

Comedy Script - #Two

Okay, we’re going to start with a little song I wrote…
it’s got three verses and a bit of a chorus…
you can help me with the chorus!!!

It’s about Janet… or was it Jayne?
I've got this problem with my short term memory…

I get names mixed up… and I can never ever remember faces!…
So, I went to the doctors, and he said ‘How are you?”
And I said “I’m feeling very well, thank you!”
“So why are you here then?” the doctor asks me.
“I can’t remember!” I tell him… “Who are you anyway?… Where am I?”…

Anyway, did I say we were going to do a song?…
This is one of those songs that sounds like something else…  
Remember that Lou Reed song? Vicious!
I always used to think he said Fishes! 
“Only joking… that’s too fishy!…”

Anyway, Janet! or Jayne?…
Is the name of my song…
but it sounds like Janitor Jayne!
The school janitor!!!

It goes like this… Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?
And that’s just the chorus, or half of it… 
the other half is the same after the first two verses,
and slightly different after the final verse…

I went out with this girl last night…
but I can’t remember anything about it…                    
I can’t remember what she looks like either…
But the worst thing is… I can’t remember her name!

I got a phone call this morning, and it said  Jan calling
I thought who the Eccles cakes is Jan?
And then I thought… Jan could be short for Janet…
or for Jayne… so I answered the phone… 
I said “Pronto!” like they do in Italy, only joking, I said “Hello!”

And someone on the other end of the phone said “Hello! Buggerlugs?”
I said “No!… I think you've got the wrong number!”
“That’s strange…” said the voice.
“Only I've just found this phone… 
and your number is the first one in the address book…
and it says that your name is Buggerlugs!”

“I don’t know anyone who calls me that…” I tell her,
“Some people call me Slobberchops!
(do the slobberchops impression) when I go like that!”
(repeat the slobberchops impression) …
then I ask her if her name’s Jan?

“No, she says, my name’s Yan, spelt YAN… 
and the correct pronunciation of it is I Anne!!”
“Okay, I Anne,” I said… where did you find the phone?”
“In the pub toilets!” she says…
and she tells me the name of the pub…
but I’ve forgotten it already!

“Can you tell me which Jan this phone belongs to,
so I can give it them back?” She asks me.
I say “It must belong to Janet… or to Jayne!…
Because I don’t know any one called Jan,
or Yan, or I Anne… apart from you!”

And she says something…
but I can’t remember what she said…

Anyway, weren’t you going to help me with my song?
Let’s do the chorus first…
I’ll sing the first bit, then you repeat it… okay?
(Singing) Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?

(Everybody together) Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Did she say Janet!
Or did she say Jayne?

Nicely! Well done, give yourselves a big round of applause!

If you’ve got two girlfriends,
you’re going to need two phones…  
There’s a song in there somewhere… 
but I can’t remember the tune!…
and if you’ve got two phones,
you’re going to need two pockets…
And if you can’t remember your girlfriends names…
you need to write them on the back of the phones…
but don’t get them mixed up!
The trick is to keep one phone for each girl…
but the problem is you’re going to need a third phone, for everybody else.

Now the problem I’ve got is that one of my girls is called Janet
and the other one is called Jayne…
and sometimes I can’t remember which is which!

Hold on… have we got time for a quick verse?…

If you've got
two girls
you're gonna
need two 'phones.
So when they
call you up +
you're all alone -
and all they want
to do is moan -
you just put
'phone to 'phone
and let them…
moan + moan
and moan!

Believe me… it gets worse!…

I keep Janet’s phone in my left hand pocket…
and I keep Jayne’s phone in my right hand pocket.
But sometimes,
the message Jan calling pops up on one of my phones,
and I don’t know if it’s Jan short for Janet…
or whether it’s Jan short for Jayne…
or whether it’s Jan… Yan… or I Anne…

On the back of my phone it says; Vodaphone
I thought that’s funny, because Voda is the word for water in polish.
Imagine if someone asked you what sort of phone
you've got and you said “It’s a water phone!”
(do the squirt impression)…
maybe it’s like those incabloc watches… you can take it swimming with you…

The phone rings and you answer,
“Hello!, I’m in the shower!” you say.
And the person on the other end of the blower says,
 “okay, I’ll ring you back in a bit!”
And you reply “It’s okay, you can talk to me now, I've got a vodaphone!”

It gets worse…

In Poland they say maly voda, which means little water,
but when they say mowe voda they really mean vodka!
The Polish fellow said, “ I've got a mowe vodaphone!”
his mate said “I think he’s been on the vodka!”

I keep a third phone on vibrate in my trouser pocket…
that Lee Evans  has got one in his back pocket…
and when it rings… he goes like this… (Do the Lee Evans impression)

Last time someone rang me,
I was talking to Janet…
or was it Jayne?
And she said “Is that your phone buzzing?
Or are you just pleased to see me?”…

I can’t remember what I said to Janet, when she came… 
I probably called her Jayne!

It’s a terrible thing this short term memory loss…
what was I just saying?…
Oh, yeah… the song,
we all know the chorus now…
don’t we?…
I’ll do the verses…
and you can do the chorus’ with me…

I was strolling down
a country lane
when I saw a girl
so I asked her name
she said Janet!
or was it Jayne?
(chorus, all together)
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
(second verse)
The next time I went
down that lovers lane
she was standing
there again…
I said Janet?
and she said Jayne!
(chorus, all together)
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
(last verse)
So that was the end
of my would be flame
I simply forgot to
remember her name!
Did she say Janet?
No, she said Jayne!
(chorus, all together)…
but the second half of the chorus is different…
this time it’s a repeat of the end of  the last verse…  
Did she say Janet? No, she said Jayne!
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?                                                                                                                             Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet?
No, she said Jane!

Thank you!…
Give yourselves another BIG, BIG round of applause!!!

Anyway,  I’m no good with phones,
the problem is you need three hands
to answer one phone and a pair of glasses
to figure out which buttons to press,
so my mate said “Why don’t you try the internet?”… 
He said, “You can have one of those social
networking accounts like facebook or my-space
where everybody has a profile picture!”

I said, “That sounds more like it!”
So I joined SpaceFace!
and everyone’s got their own picture,
Janet’s got a helmet on hers…
with a clear visor and a big pair of
red Australian glasses and loads of lipstick!
She’s easy… to remember.
Jayne’s got a tinted visor on her helmet,
so I can’t really see what she looks like…
but I know it’s her… by the picture!

I've got an inside out corn-flake box on my head…
with a square cut out at the front…
so you can see who I am…
but I had my welding glasses on,
on the day they took the photo…
So, you can’t really see me…
but I know who I am…
at least I think I do!

Underneath my face, on the chin bit,
there’s some writing that always baffles me.
It says CKWA which is an anagram of Wack!
I couldn't figure it out for a bit,
and then I remembered that I’d written
BACKWARDS forwards in wax crayon
on the bottom of the cardboard cut-out
before I made it into a helmet for Space Face
and CKWA are pretty much the middle letters of
backwards but the whole word was too long for the picture…
at least I think that’s what happened!

Anyway, I went back to the doctors,
and he sent me to see a specialist…
I said to the specialist,
“Is there something wrong with my brain doctor?”
And he said “No, there’s nothing wrong with your brain doctor!”
I said “Thank god for that!
I thought you were going to do an operation, for a minute!”
He said “Sit down, I’m the brain sturgeon,”
“Only joking, that’s too fishy!”…

He said “Sit down, I’m the brain surgeon, (sorry about that)
there’s nothing wrong with me…
but you’re going to need an operation sooner or later!”…
if you don’t want to lose your memory completely!”

He had a Black and Decker drill on his desk
and a box of stainless steel drill-bits…
and a club hammer and a very sharply pointed chisel
and a Stanley knife.

I took one look at his instruments, and I said
“Is there any alternative?”
And he shook his head vigorously, and said “No!”
I said  “Will I need the full operation, Doctor?”
He said “No, we won’t need to shave your head!…”

Okay, what they do is…
and I saw this on the telly, so it must be true!…
what they do is they drill a little hole in the bottom of your head…
then they poke the pointy chisel in the hole…
and give it a few whacks with the club hammer…
and your whole skull splits in half…
it’s still connected to your face and your skin…
they just twiddle it about… making Space Face

I’ll tell you who had it done, that Russian fellow,
Gorbachev! Did you see that mark on his head?… 
It’s where they cracked it open!…
but when they drill the hole,
they keep all the bits of skull dust…
and they mix a bit of glue with it…
to stick you back together again…
So, I asked the doctor if I’d be able to remember
things better after the operation.
And do you know what he said? (shaking my head)
No neither do I! I can’t remember a bloody thing!
Did I have the operation? I don’t know, I can’t remember!

But what I do remember is what my pet robot said,
he said: (In a robotic voice)
Scared afraid of Black and Decker doctors. 
Doctors chasing me with knives and hammers. 
Hammers hitting chisels into my skull. 
Skull thuggery! that’s what those doctors do.  
Do they have to tell you that you might die. 
Die if you have the op - die if you don’t! 
Don’t they know that I’m scared stiff already. 
All ready to have your operation? 
Operation knives are sterilized phew! 
Phew, there’s no turning back they’re going through. 
Through my head to improve my brain, remove...   
Remove my brain? they've got to find it first! 
First thing I thought when they told me of this. 
This is the worst thing DIY I’m scared.

That’s what my pet robot said!…

I came in a taxi tonight, it was ten quid, 
and I only live across the road.
So I said, "I've only got a fiver!"
The taxi driver said, "Do you want to phone a friend?"
I said, "Yes please!"
But my phone wouldn't work.
He said "What sort of phone is it?"
I said, "It's a Nokia!" 
"No it won't work!" he said, "this is a Korean car! No Kia!
Do you want to ask the audience?"
I said "Yeah! and that's why I'm here tonight, 
I haven't got any jokes to tell you, I just need a deep sea
diver to pay Sam Sung outside!"


Clink the link to Script - #1


  1. Good morning...
    It reads pretty well, but it's just a bit long for a blog post...
    And the font is a bit too small...
    I'd come and watch you perform it...

  2. Thanks Stan, it's already been done - I just put it up here for the record, if you like this corny stuff there's a clickable link at the bottom of the posting to Script - #1.