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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

New Blogger...

Well then, here we are again and guess what? I've just been forced to sign up to a Google account to make this blog work in New Blogger! I managed to by-pass the sign up thingy a few times but this time they got me. I must report though that on my really bad poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet I managed to jib through and post to old blogger. I posted a true story (only joking) on my poetry blog and you can read it if you clink the link. I wrote it in about 1991 and it was first published in a little chap book (that's chap not crap!) in 1992. It was titled Surveillance and sub titled I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more! At the time I used to hang out with a lot of singer songwriters in the back street bars of Manchester and they all loved Bob Dylan. So now you know where I got the sub title from!
I joined/signed up for Manchester Free Cycle this week. It's a web site where you can post wanted and unwanted items . They have lots of rules and regulations but it is a great idea and there is probably a freecycle site for your town, wherever you live. The main rule is that no money changes hands - everything is FREE! Sound like your sort of thing? then clink the link and check them out for yourself!
I've been installing French Windows in the house this week 'cos Nicola has been moaning about the state of the place. I tend to start projects and never quite finish them. What actually happens is that I change my mind half way through the job. What Nic doesn't realise is that the way we've got the house right now, in its unfinished state is exactly what the bohemian New Yorkers are spending thousands of dollars to achieve. Anyway, you can clink the link to Nicola's blog if you really want to know what she thinks about things. By the way it's called RawMeat.. Nicola Batty's Newsletter. She updates it every month and includes an extract from her work-in-progress-novel The Space Between.
Okay, so you've read this far and you're still waiting for me to tell you something really mad. Aren't you? Well, here's a little business idea you can kick about (literally) 'cos it involves lots of balls. As you know by now I'm on a strict non-diet and I'm going to lose about four and a half stone or 63 pounds over an eight to twelve week period. Anyrate, by May Day I will have reached my target weight and then the hard work starts keeping the flab at bay. Losing the excess weight is the easy bit, anybody can do that. You don't have to starve yourself or go on a low calorie diet or start a fitness program. No, you can do it the easy way like me and many thousands before me on a high protein diet. It's so easy I call it a non-diet, 'cos I'm going to lose the weight first - then go on the diet. So, what's all this got to do with balls? Well, what happens on my non-diet is that after a couple of weeks, I've just started week four, you start feeling really energetic. So, I came up with this crazy exercise idea that anybody can do in the privacy of their own home. I must warn you though it's a load of balls!
You can do this little exercise in the park, on the beach, in the garden, at home in the kitchen/bedroom/bathroom/hallway/dining room in fact you can do it anywhere. It doesn't matter where you do it, you will still get a good feeling from it. First of all you need to purchase a load of balls. Those soft plastic different coloured ball pool balls that kids play with are ideal. I got a pack of one hundred from Toys R us for about ten quid, but I saw them recently at Tesco's for £3.95 Right, then you simply throw the balls onto the ground/floor and reach down and pick them up. I use 33 balls in a plastic laundry basket and I put a couple of strips of 2x1 timber on the floor/ground to retain the balls in a run/row. If you want to develop this idea as a business you need to come up with a neat way to contain the balls, a thick piece of rope about fifteen feet long and tied end to end to make an obolong shape would do the trick. But don't forget I want my ten per cent of any/all profits you make from this product! You can e-mail me at:

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Guess what? I can touch the floor and that's official! It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was advocating that floors should be made higher. What a difference losing a few pounds of flab can make. Not only can I touch the floor but I can actually pick things up without having to crawl around in agony. And, it gets better, I now feel so energetic. I want to do things, all the time.
Ok, just to update you on the state of play. The non-diet is going great guns. This week is week three and I've never felt so good. I was thinking, when I've been on this rapid reduction/weight loss program before, I was a smoker. A desperate gasper with a forty-a-day-habit! I remember using the dreaded tobacco as a crutch. I genuinely thought that smoking helped me lose weight because (in my logic) if I was puffing away then I wasn't stuffing myself with food. How deluded is that?
Well, I'll have to be truthful and tell you the way things are. I still look like a pregnant woman from the front. And I still resemble the shape of a Suomo wrestler from the side. So, how long is this thing going to take? Yeah, Rome wasn't built in a day and losing weight takes time, no matter what tricks you may or may not have tucked up your sleeve. But I can tell you that it will take me between eight and twelve weeks to reach my target weight. I know this as I have used this little trick three or four times before. I'm not proud of the fact that after losing several stones of fat, I then managed to put it all back on again. Not once but three or four times.
So what's different this time? How do you know that you won't fail again? The simple answer is that I don't know if I will fail again. What I do know is that I will achieve my goal of losing a vast amount of flab. But as I've said elsewhere, losing the weight is the easy bit. The hardest bit of the whole program, I think, is actually starting it. There is always some excuse, some valid reason not to. But after you do take the plunge it really is easy. The difference this time round is that I'm not on a diet yet. I'm simply losing the weight first! Then I'm going on the diet! So, the difference is in the way that I see things.
I guess that most of us are doomed to fail. I know that maintaining any weight loss is the tricky bit. I have always failed in the past because as soon as I had lost the weight, I was out on the town, eating and drinking to excess. This time I'm planning to start my diet on May Day, which is exactly twelve weeks after the start of my quick weight loss program. So, yes it's going to be tough! not losing the flab but keeping it off!
I mentioned that I had a few tricks stuffed up my jumper. Well, I'll tell you what they are. Firstly though I must warn you not to try them at home without first consulting your doctor or other health care proffesional. My own doctor, Doctor Dreama absolutely forbade me from going on this program. The first trick, oh I should tell you that the quick weight loss diet is a high protien diet. Anyway, the first trick is that when you only eat fish, chicken and eggs an amazing thing happens. You don't feel hungry!
It's true, you don't feel hungry because the high protiens act like a hunger suppressant. Also, after a few days your stomache actually shrinks and you really don't need to eat so much to feel full. Like the author of the diet Doctor Stillman says in his book The Doctors Quick weight Loss Diet. 'Calories count, you just don't count them!' The trick is 'You don't count calories, cos you don't need to.
How bored are you getting? I won't be too long now. But I must tell you that it is essential to drink four to six pints of water a day. The trick is to space the glasses of water out through the day. If you don't drink the water, you'll feel really dehydrated and no end of bad things can happen to your insides. Some people claim that water is a kill or cure all for many ailments. I think that one thing I must remember to continue after May the first is to keep on drinking the water. My tip is, in a pint pot pour three quarters full of cold water and top up with boiling water.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Phew! I had to say that, 'cos who knows whether I survived the week or what/not? Well the good news is that I'm still here and the quick weight loss is going to plan. Of course, I knew that it would 'cos I've used this method of reducing three or four times before. That's why, I could stand up and say with great confidence last week that I would lose an incredible amount of weight. And I have. 4kg in fact, which is well over half a British stone. My trouser size has dropped from 36 to 34 and today I had to make an extra hole on my belt.
Why am I telling you all this nonsence? Because if I tell you - I have to do it! So, you see I really need to lose this excess fat and fast and I have this really quick method at my disposal. My Doctor has forbidden me from doing it, she says that I'll only put all the weight back on. She says that I have to lose the flab slowly and then it will stay off. I'm sorry Doctor Dreama, I haven't got time to weigh out food, count calories, go to weigh-ins, check this and that and walk here and cycle there, I need to lose fat fast.
Back to the book I told you about last week, I checked the details. The edition I have is the British Pan version of the book and it was in its tenth printing in 1976. The book itself was first published in America in 1967 and the actual title is The Doctors Quick Weight Loss Diet by Irwin Maxwell Stillman, MD and Samm Sinclair Baker. On the front cover of this edition it says MORE THAN THREE MILLION COPIES SOLD WORLDWIDE. Proper Joe's, ok?
Three million people can't be wrong, can they? On the back cover of my copy of this amazing book it says: FROM A PHYSICIAN WHO HAS PERSONALLY HELPED 10,000 PATIENTS LOSE EXCESS WEIGHT EASILY, QUICKLY AND SAFELY. Bring it on, I say. That's exactly what I'm looking for. Now I know that if you've bothered to read this far, you're probably thinking that, I've been well and truly had. That I'm barking up the wrong drain pipe. Or perhaps you're just waiting for me to slip-up.
You're quite right to question whether or not I'm doing the right thing. As I've already told you that I have used this method of reducing in the past and yet here I am once again, fat, miserable and over weight. A terminal no-hoper! A fat over-eater, A yo-yo dieter. Well, you're perfectly entitled to call me what you will! And, you're quite right, I have absolutely no excuse. I know how to lose the weight and I know how to keep it off. The first part is the easy bit. Most people can lose weight easily, the hard bit is keeping it off. That's where I have always failed in the past. So, YES I WILL LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT I WANT, quickly and easily. In fact I've set myself the target of the first of May, MayDay!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

May Day...

Welcome to the Proper Madness blog! If you thought last weeks rage was a little bit mad, then you'll know I've really lost my marbles when you read this weeks thing!
Ok, you're not going to believe this. I looked in the mirror this week and cried! Not literally, you understand, but I cried out 'MAY DAY!' You see, my friend Sheila in London, sent me a picture in the post. The picture was of me, seventeen months ago and twenty-eight bags of sugar lighter. Now, I don't know where you're reading this, but in Manchester a regular bag of sugar is 1kg or 2.2lbs in old money. Which makes me a whopping four and a half stones overweight!
So, after a week of deliberation I finally took the plunge and started a reducing programme. Notice I don't say the dreaded word DIET! In fact the word diet holds no fears for me, it's just that I'm not going on one - not yet, anyway! My May Day plan is to LOSE THE WEIGHT FIRST - THEN START THE DIET! How mad is that?
I went to my doctor's to ask permission to go on this crazy weight loss plan. And guess what Doctor Dreama said? She said 'No Way!' that's what she said. So, I can't reccomend this eating plan to anyone. Because acording to my doctor it dosen't work! And do you know something, she's quite right. Only I'm determined to make it work, so even though it doesn't work for anybody else (and don't try it at home, 'cos it won't work for you, Doctor Dreama said) it will work for me.
Well, I'm on day three and let me tell you it is a breeze, by this evening I will be at least half a stone lighter than I was on Sunday. How is that possible? Well, I didn't invent the technique, no it wasn't me, honest! I just read about it in a book, thirty years ago! If you stick with me I'll tell you the name of the book and the name of the author, oh yes, he was a doctor too. In his book, which had been in print for about ten years when I stumbled across a well thumbed copy of it. He claims that Actors and Clothes Models, Sportsmen and Air Plane Pilots all use this method to lose weight fast. The book is/was called The Doctor's Quick Weight Loss Method.