New Blogger...

WELL THEN!
Well then, here we are again and guess what? I've just been forced to sign up to a Google account to make this blog work in New Blogger! I managed to by-pass the sign up thingy a few times but this time they got me. I must report though that on my really bad poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet I managed to jib through and post to old blogger. I posted a true story (only joking) on my poetry blog and you can read it if you clink the link. I wrote it in about 1991 and it was first published in a little chap book (that's chap not crap!) in 1992. It was titled Surveillance and sub titled I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more! At the time I used to hang out with a lot of singer songwriters in the back street bars of Manchester and they all loved Bob Dylan. So now you know where I got the sub title from!
FREE CYCLE
I joined/signed up for Manchester Free Cycle this week. It's a web site where you can post wanted and unwanted items . They have lots of rules and regulations but it is a great idea and there is probably a freecycle site for your town, wherever you live. The main rule is that no money changes hands - everything is FREE! Sound like your sort of thing? then clink the link and check them out for yourself!
BUILDING BLUES!
I've been installing French Windows in the house this week 'cos Nicola has been moaning about the state of the place. I tend to start projects and never quite finish them. What actually happens is that I change my mind half way through the job. What Nic doesn't realise is that the way we've got the house right now, in its unfinished state is exactly what the bohemian New Yorkers are spending thousands of dollars to achieve. Anyway, you can clink the link to Nicola's blog if you really want to know what she thinks about things. By the way it's called RawMeat.. Nicola Batty's Newsletter. She updates it every month and includes an extract from her work-in-progress-novel The Space Between.
BALLS
Okay, so you've read this far and you're still waiting for me to tell you something really mad. Aren't you? Well, here's a little business idea you can kick about (literally) 'cos it involves lots of balls. As you know by now I'm on a strict non-diet and I'm going to lose about four and a half stone or 63 pounds over an eight to twelve week period. Anyrate, by May Day I will have reached my target weight and then the hard work starts keeping the flab at bay. Losing the excess weight is the easy bit, anybody can do that. You don't have to starve yourself or go on a low calorie diet or start a fitness program. No, you can do it the easy way like me and many thousands before me on a high protein diet. It's so easy I call it a non-diet, 'cos I'm going to lose the weight first - then go on the diet. So, what's all this got to do with balls? Well, what happens on my non-diet is that after a couple of weeks, I've just started week four, you start feeling really energetic. So, I came up with this crazy exercise idea that anybody can do in the privacy of their own home. I must warn you though it's a load of balls!
LOAD OF BALLS
You can do this little exercise in the park, on the beach, in the garden, at home in the kitchen/bedroom/bathroom/hallway/dining room in fact you can do it anywhere. It doesn't matter where you do it, you will still get a good feeling from it. First of all you need to purchase a load of balls. Those soft plastic different coloured ball pool balls that kids play with are ideal. I got a pack of one hundred from Toys R us for about ten quid, but I saw them recently at Tesco's for £3.95 Right, then you simply throw the balls onto the ground/floor and reach down and pick them up. I use 33 balls in a plastic laundry basket and I put a couple of strips of 2x1 timber on the floor/ground to retain the balls in a run/row. If you want to develop this idea as a business you need to come up with a neat way to contain the balls, a thick piece of rope about fifteen feet long and tied end to end to make an obolong shape would do the trick. But don't forget I want my ten per cent of any/all profits you make from this product! You can e-mail me at: properjoes@aol.com
CUNXTCHOOSEDAY!

Energetic...

TOUCH THE FLOOR
Guess what? I can touch the floor and that's official! It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was advocating that floors should be made higher. What a difference losing a few pounds of flab can make. Not only can I touch the floor but I can actually pick things up without having to crawl around in agony. And, it gets better, I now feel so energetic. I want to do things, all the time.
UPDATE
Ok, just to update you on the state of play. The non-diet is going great guns. This week is week three and I've never felt so good. I was thinking, when I've been on this rapid reduction/weight loss program before, I was a smoker. A desperate gasper with a forty-a-day-habit! I remember using the dreaded tobacco as a crutch. I genuinely thought that smoking helped me lose weight because (in my logic) if I was puffing away then I wasn't stuffing myself with food. How deluded is that?
SUOMO
Well, I'll have to be truthful and tell you the way things are. I still look like a pregnant woman from the front. And I still resemble the shape of a Suomo wrestler from the side. So, how long is this thing going to take? Yeah, Rome wasn't built in a day and losing weight takes time, no matter what tricks you may or may not have tucked up your sleeve. But I can tell you that it will take me between eight and twelve weeks to reach my target weight. I know this as I have used this little trick three or four times before. I'm not proud of the fact that after losing several stones of fat, I then managed to put it all back on again. Not once but three or four times.
DIFFERENT
So what's different this time? How do you know that you won't fail again? The simple answer is that I don't know if I will fail again. What I do know is that I will achieve my goal of losing a vast amount of flab. But as I've said elsewhere, losing the weight is the easy bit. The hardest bit of the whole program, I think, is actually starting it. There is always some excuse, some valid reason not to. But after you do take the plunge it really is easy. The difference this time round is that I'm not on a diet yet. I'm simply losing the weight first! Then I'm going on the diet! So, the difference is in the way that I see things.
FAILURE
I guess that most of us are doomed to fail. I know that maintaining any weight loss is the tricky bit. I have always failed in the past because as soon as I had lost the weight, I was out on the town, eating and drinking to excess. This time I'm planning to start my diet on May Day, which is exactly twelve weeks after the start of my quick weight loss program. So, yes it's going to be tough! not losing the flab but keeping it off!
TRICKS
I mentioned that I had a few tricks stuffed up my jumper. Well, I'll tell you what they are. Firstly though I must warn you not to try them at home without first consulting your doctor or other health care proffesional. My own doctor, Doctor Dreama absolutely forbade me from going on this program. The first trick, oh I should tell you that the quick weight loss diet is a high protien diet. Anyway, the first trick is that when you only eat fish, chicken and eggs an amazing thing happens. You don't feel hungry!
CALORIES
It's true, you don't feel hungry because the high protiens act like a hunger suppressant. Also, after a few days your stomache actually shrinks and you really don't need to eat so much to feel full. Like the author of the diet Doctor Stillman says in his book The Doctors Quick weight Loss Diet. 'Calories count, you just don't count them!' The trick is 'You don't count calories, cos you don't need to.
NEXT TRICK
How bored are you getting? I won't be too long now. But I must tell you that it is essential to drink four to six pints of water a day. The trick is to space the glasses of water out through the day. If you don't drink the water, you'll feel really dehydrated and no end of bad things can happen to your insides. Some people claim that water is a kill or cure all for many ailments. I think that one thing I must remember to continue after May the first is to keep on drinking the water. My tip is, in a pint pot pour three quarters full of cold water and top up with boiling water.
MORE LATER...

Phew!...

ANOTHER NOTCH
Phew! I had to say that, 'cos who knows whether I survived the week or what/not? Well the good news is that I'm still here and the quick weight loss is going to plan. Of course, I knew that it would 'cos I've used this method of reducing three or four times before. That's why, I could stand up and say with great confidence last week that I would lose an incredible amount of weight. And I have. 4kg in fact, which is well over half a British stone. My trouser size has dropped from 36 to 34 and today I had to make an extra hole on my belt.
FOR THE RECORD
Why am I telling you all this nonsence? Because if I tell you - I have to do it! So, you see I really need to lose this excess fat and fast and I have this really quick method at my disposal. My Doctor has forbidden me from doing it, she says that I'll only put all the weight back on. She says that I have to lose the flab slowly and then it will stay off. I'm sorry Doctor Dreama, I haven't got time to weigh out food, count calories, go to weigh-ins, check this and that and walk here and cycle there, I need to lose fat fast.
TENTH PRINTING
Back to the book I told you about last week, I checked the details. The edition I have is the British Pan version of the book and it was in its tenth printing in 1976. The book itself was first published in America in 1967 and the actual title is The Doctors Quick Weight Loss Diet by Irwin Maxwell Stillman, MD and Samm Sinclair Baker. On the front cover of this edition it says MORE THAN THREE MILLION COPIES SOLD WORLDWIDE. Proper Joe's, ok?
CAN'T BE WRONG
Three million people can't be wrong, can they? On the back cover of my copy of this amazing book it says: FROM A PHYSICIAN WHO HAS PERSONALLY HELPED 10,000 PATIENTS LOSE EXCESS WEIGHT EASILY, QUICKLY AND SAFELY. Bring it on, I say. That's exactly what I'm looking for. Now I know that if you've bothered to read this far, you're probably thinking that, I've been well and truly had. That I'm barking up the wrong drain pipe. Or perhaps you're just waiting for me to slip-up.
YO-YO DIET
You're quite right to question whether or not I'm doing the right thing. As I've already told you that I have used this method of reducing in the past and yet here I am once again, fat, miserable and over weight. A terminal no-hoper! A fat over-eater, A yo-yo dieter. Well, you're perfectly entitled to call me what you will! And, you're quite right, I have absolutely no excuse. I know how to lose the weight and I know how to keep it off. The first part is the easy bit. Most people can lose weight easily, the hard bit is keeping it off. That's where I have always failed in the past. So, YES I WILL LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT I WANT, quickly and easily. In fact I've set myself the target of the first of May, MayDay!

May Day...

MADNESS
Welcome to the Proper Madness blog! If you thought last weeks rage was a little bit mad, then you'll know I've really lost my marbles when you read this weeks thing!
MAY DAY
Ok, you're not going to believe this. I looked in the mirror this week and cried! Not literally, you understand, but I cried out 'MAY DAY!' You see, my friend Sheila in London, sent me a picture in the post. The picture was of me, seventeen months ago and twenty-eight bags of sugar lighter. Now, I don't know where you're reading this, but in Manchester a regular bag of sugar is 1kg or 2.2lbs in old money. Which makes me a whopping four and a half stones overweight!
MAY DAY, MAY DAY.
So, after a week of deliberation I finally took the plunge and started a reducing programme. Notice I don't say the dreaded word DIET! In fact the word diet holds no fears for me, it's just that I'm not going on one - not yet, anyway! My May Day plan is to LOSE THE WEIGHT FIRST - THEN START THE DIET! How mad is that?
DOCTOR DREAMA
I went to my doctor's to ask permission to go on this crazy weight loss plan. And guess what Doctor Dreama said? She said 'No Way!' that's what she said. So, I can't reccomend this eating plan to anyone. Because acording to my doctor it dosen't work! And do you know something, she's quite right. Only I'm determined to make it work, so even though it doesn't work for anybody else (and don't try it at home, 'cos it won't work for you, Doctor Dreama said) it will work for me.
DAY THREE
Well, I'm on day three and let me tell you it is a breeze, by this evening I will be at least half a stone lighter than I was on Sunday. How is that possible? Well, I didn't invent the technique, no it wasn't me, honest! I just read about it in a book, thirty years ago! If you stick with me I'll tell you the name of the book and the name of the author, oh yes, he was a doctor too. In his book, which had been in print for about ten years when I stumbled across a well thumbed copy of it. He claims that Actors and Clothes Models, Sportsmen and Air Plane Pilots all use this method to lose weight fast. The book is/was called The Doctor's Quick Weight Loss Method.

Madchester...

CONGESTION WHAT?
People are starting to see congestion charging as inevitable. In Manchester and certainly in Greater Manchester we are nowhere near ready for congestion charging. Yes, there are great queues of traffic entering the city every morning and the same people sitting in the same traffic hell every evening, trying to leave town. And yes the roads do appear to be fairly congested at the peak times. However, I believe the trafic jams are made by bad planning. Speed bumps on ambulance routes as I've mentioned before, bus lanes and cycle routes in the wrong places and worst of all, all those traffic lights. In addition to the above named obstacles there is the added problem of the 'No Left Turn' signals.
TRAFFIC LIGHTS
One of the things that really annoy me are traffic lights. They always seem to change when you don't need/want them to and they stay red for much too long. The other thing about these often unneeded trafficators (should be spelt traffic haters!) is the stupid system for people wanting to turn left. In England we have to wait till the light turns to green before we can turn left, which means that lots of people behind the left turner, also have to wait and so on, causing unnecessary delays. In some other countries, you can turn left if it's safe to do so. I know that we do have a few filter lights, in some areas, but in general not enough.
BUS LANES
Yes, of course we need bus lanes. but most of them are in the wrong places and actually cause congestion! The simple answer to bus lanes is to earmark dedicated streets as 'Buses Only' these busways can easily be made in parellel streets to the main routes, which would keep everybody happy.
CYCLE LANES
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! We need more cycle lanes. Believe me, I am a cyclist and I can tell you that the cycle lanes on many of our roads in Manchester are about as good as a chocolate fire guard. What a waste of effort, time and money. Lots of cycle lanes run out at crucial places, cars park on them, potholes appear in them. Even on major routes, where parking isn't a problem, the heavy traffic is. In general car drivers don't see bicycles until the last minute. So, the best cycle lanes are the ones that run alongside the road, for example the little stretch that runs through Whitworth Park.
TAX ATTACKS TAX
Motorists are already very heavily taxed in this country. Fuel carries a high tax, then there is road tax and insurance and insurance tax. In addition there is VAT added to every purchase, including the sale of cars, servicing and parts. Then on top of that comes the stealth taxes like parking charges, clamping fees, towing away and storage fees if you park in the wrong place or for too long. These days local authorities even have the power to confiscate and crush your vehicle if you do something naughty.
PARKING
So, what am I saying? Make car parking free? No, far from it. You only have to take a ride down to The Trafford Centre to see what a disaster free parking can be. And I'm not talking about the congestion caused by shoppers at the place at all. No, I think that they should pay a small fee to park, say £1.00 This money would then go to build a rail link and a tram link. How simple a solution is that? I can hear your argument right now, You think that the only people that go to these giant shopping complexes are car drivers. Wrong! The Trafford Centre has a bigger bus station than most towns and this is where the congestion originates as the cars and busses fight for roadspace.
CAR PARKS
The car parks in Manchester are way too expensive and too difficult in many cases to access. People feel cheated when they arrive in a strange town and are confronted by stupid parking rules. Manchester should be building more car parks and making the developers of all these new buildings to build extra spaces for visitors to the city. Instead we have the crazy situation where the council discourages parking. This is real short term thinking and can only end in tears. A few years back we had this crazy thing where the council didn't believe in sporting competition and sports days etc. in schools were banned or at best frowned upon, a kind of political correctness gone mad. Then, all of a sudden a change of direction. Manchester applied to host The Olympic Games, when that failed a couple of times we went for The Commonwealth Games. So what's all this nonsense got to do with cars, congestion and parking? Well! read on!
READ ON
I know that global warming is the buzz word these days and anybody and everybody is jumping on the bandwagon and declaring their greenness to the world. Not least political parties and politicians. Local, national and international. In general the view is that we need to reduce harmful emmisions from vehicles. Of course we do, but there are green alternatives that all of us can take advantage of right now. Firstly, we can say. 'My next car's going to be electric!' If that is too much of a dream, you can start by offsetting, and I'm not talking about planting a few trees to improve the environment that you've probably just destroyed by driving here in the first place. No, I think that there may be a way to generate a little bit of power as a by-product of your journey. Then to use this little bit of captured power to run a couple of light bulbs in the office or home or a computer or tv, perhaps. Well, maybe I am dreaming a bit but who knows what's round the corner?
HOME JAMES
I just read that the Madchester band James are reforming and are set to play the Manchester MEN Arena this year. I remember going to see them at G-Mex a few years ago. Sit down next to me!
CASINO
Also today, they announced that Manchester is to build the first Super or Las Vegas style casino in Britain. That is of course, subject to the politicians having the final say. The slot machine area alone will be the size of a football pitch. That's a lot of pennies!
METROLINK
While I'm having a moan about transport, I might as well have a dig at the Metrolink trams. Who was it that said: 'What Manchester does today, the world follows!' Well, in England it seems to be true as far as the modern tram goes anyway. Since Manchester started her tram system, many other towns have coppied. The problem for Manchester is that we still only have three lines and a bit of a link across the city centre, when what we really need is a proper, affordable and frequent system that goes to the places where people live and work. what we've got and also for the most part, what is planned for the future, is a system that duplicates or replaces the existing railways. That's no good! Look at the Altrincham and Bury lines, they are overcrowded and expensive and they are running on the old British Railways routes. The Altrincham line is actually worse than when it was a railway track, the trains (now trams) still go to Piccadilly Station but Via G-Mex and a shed full of streets, how mad is that?
SOLUTION
There are no simple solutions as far as transport and transportation go. The government says that cities like Manchester will have to accept congestion charging if they want to get funding for public transport. The problem in Manchester is that we already have loads of dismantled railway routes, many of them are overgrown with wild trees and junk. Why can't we re-open these lines as tramways? Well, the cost would be prohibitive, they tell me. So, why can't we just tarmac these routes over and run busses on them? Well, that would be too easy I guess, and we would no longer qualify for government funding. And we wouldn't have to pay the congestion charge, would we?
BOILER UPDATE
Some of you may remember me going on about our central heating. Well, guess what? Magic, it's fixed! It took just three minutes to change a faulty valve and bingo! we have a silent heating system that actually works. That's three minutes to fix it and three months waiting time for the boiler man to come.
THE THRU FLOOR LIFT
We're still waiting for the man to come to fix the switch on the lift, we've only had to wait since July so far and I've heard that Electricians are pretty busy these days.
FINALLY
You can check out Nicola Batty's Newsletter (AT) rawprintz.blogspot.com
She's writing a work-in-progress-novel at the moment called The Space Between. I think that she's actually going to make it into a trilogy. Anyway, you can clink the link above and have a butchers hook yourself.

City...

WATCHING
I was watching City on the box the other night. It was the Match of The Day programme on BBC. I waited up to watch the highlights of the game, hoping that no-one would tell me the score. They do this really sad thing on the BBC, they put the news on just before the football and they give the scores at the end of the news. How mad is that? It means that anybody wanting to catch their game has their evening spoilt by hearing the result before they view the action. Anyway, well wised up to the antics of British Broadcasting I managed to sit through the entire show, till the City match came on right at the end. Was it worth waiting for? Not really, it was embarrassing if anything, not just the scoreline, which I won't repeat. But all the empty seats in the stadium. Why don't they reduce the admission prices so the missing generation can return to the game? Better still, why not let us old boys in for free?
CANAL WALKING
I have not been as active as I would like lately, canal walking being one of the things to suffer. However, I have been managing to get out on my bike a few times this past week and one little outing took in a short stretch of canal. I turned off Whitworth street near the Ritz in Manchester onto the towpath of the Rochdale canal. I headed towards Castlefield past the new Hacienda building (which has some of the historical events of the old Hacienda written on its walls) under the road bridge and into the path of a dozen dog walkers. I skirted around the yapping hounds and continued past Deansgate Locks and The Comedy Store, I cycled through the Gaythorn Tunnel and on to Lock 92. I turned right on the cobbles then left over the Bridgewater Canal footbridge and out into the gated community of restored mill buildings and no parking signs.
CYCLES
What a great thing this cycling is, not only does it help with fitness, it is also a great means of getting around. Of course cycle shops know this and charge you an arm and a leg for any spares or repairs you might need. Although there are a number of little bike shops around there are not as many as there used to be. I can think of three that have closed recently, one in Didsbury, one in Sale and one on Princess Road in Moss Side. On the plus side, there is a belting little second hand Proper Joe's place in Sale Moor at the Legh Arms end of Conway Road. The only trouble is he's only open on saturday mornings. I have also heard rumours that a new cycle superstore is to open on Wilmslow road near The Curry Mile in a new building on the site of the old Jaguar garage opposite Whitworth Park.
PUNCTURES REPAIRED
One of the nasty things about cycling is the lack of places to tie your bike to outside shops. In the old days shopkeepers used to have a cycle rack outside their shops and you could park up and lock your bike to it. Some places still have them of course, mainly cycle shops, but surprisingly some supermarkets although I was told by the greeter at my local Asda, that they didn't encourage cyclists for reasons best left alone on this blog. Anyway, there's a dead good shop on Great Western Street, Moss Side called Henson's Hardware, they sell all sorts of ironmongery and diy things and the odd tyre, innertube, brake cable and puncture repair outfit. I go there all the time for any bits and pieces I need. It is also known as The Mop Shop as it does a nice line in mops and buckets. How much better it would be though if they had a cycle rack outside with a sign that read: Cyclists Welcome, Punctures repaired!
FINALLY
You can check out my really bad poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet it has a poem called Salford Madness which deals with the cycle parking theme, sort of!

Links...

BLOGS
I've been looking at a few different blogs recently to see how the other half live. Or more importantly, how other people blog! My conclusion of course, is that there is no set way to blog, but you already knew that, didn't you.
POETRY
I checked out loads of poetry sites around the blogisphere and I even managed to link to one of them. I submitted my details to a couple more but haven't heard anything yet. The one I did link to is called Poets For Dinner and you can check them at my own really bad poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet..
The concept of Poets For Dinner is that you can ask a poet round to entertain you, give him some dinner a couple of glasses of wine and a few quid for his time and trouble and everybody's happy. Don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself!
SAD NEWS
I was sorry to hear that Mike Dilger has died suddenly. He was only forty seven. Mike was the Landlord at the White Lion pub in Manchester's Castlefield. I didn't know him very well but in his early days in the pub game I had a few drinks with him. I remember one night we went to Matt and Phredds Jazz Club together in Oldham Street.
MANCHIZZLE
Another blog I recently came across was The Manchizzle. This is a blog based in Manchester that has allsorts of great links to other Manchester blogs. A few of them I was already aware of, but lots of new ones to me as well. The long and the short of it is, I have linked to them with both Proper Joe's and my really bad poetry blog StStS.. Also, Nicola's Newsletter Raw Meat
is linked there too.
POST CARDS
I was out cycling this morning, looking for postcards of all things. Not the shiny glossy type that promote the city or the bar advertising ones. No, I was simply after the common or garden blank, plain white business postcard. A High street stationary chain, three National supermarkets, three local newsagents and three pound shops later and I still hadn't managed to locate a single bog standard post card. Eventually, I did find some small packs in a newsagents on Oxford Street across the road from the old Manchester Odeon.
ODEON
I know that I've mentioned this building before, but I have spent some significant moments within its walls. I remember going to the late night movies there, I think they were on a friday and/or saturday night. In those days the cinema was just one screen with hundreds of seats. Another time I recall was the day I was drafted in as an extra in a movie that was being filmed in the building. I was an audience member and if I remember rightly, you could just see the back of my head in a left to right shot. I know the film script was written by Phil Caveney. Phil Davenport and Shaun Wilson I think, were the film makers. I remember going to see it a couple of years later at The Cornerhouse.
URBAN TRANSPORT
Cycling along, I was trying to think of a clever way to tell the world of my new found discovery, cycling. It's not new to me really, as I've always had a bike of some description. It's just that I'm using it as a bit of a lifeline at the moment - in an attempt to regain some fitness. I came up with Urban Transport and I was trying to make it into UTOPIA but the best I got, before I gave up was Urban Transport Or Pedal It Andy. Which wasn't what I was really looking for.

Chooseday!...

FUNDING
Some things just make me mad! How many stupid things can happen in one day? Well if you rely on funding from different bodies for different things, like we do, you wouldn't believe just how many unfinished issues surface in any given space of time. Take Nicola's lift for example, she had the thru-floor lift replaced last summer and because it cost thousands of pounds, we had to get funding. The funding itself took about two years to find from start to finish of project and at the end of the day we/she don't/dosen't own the lift. That's ok, we don't need to own it, just to be able to use it is a godsend and we sincerley thank the powers that be for their generosity!
PROBLEM
However, there is one little teeny-weeny nagging problem with the new machinery and that is that it makes a buzzing noise at night. In fact it makes the noise all day too but it sounds worse at night when you're trying to get to sleep. The noise apparently is coming from the transformer and sounds like a tape player that's been left on for some time.
SOLUTION
The solution is very simple. Simply switch it off before you go to bed! Easier said than done, you see the on/off switch is located in the front room downstairs. So, just go down and turn it off! I hear you scream. Not so simple I'm afraid, you see the switch is a couple of inches from the ceiling and my walls are nine feet high. So, why don't you move the switch upstairs? Well, that's what I've been trying to organise since day one! Which brings us full circle back to the problem with/of funding. You see, because the lift wasn't paid for by us and we are not the owners of it anyway, we only have to live with it under our roof making a right racket all day and night. No-one seems to care.
OCTOBER
An electrician finally came out to do the job in October, which wasn't too bad as we had only been waiting since July. He hummed and harred and scratched his head and lifted the carpet and looked at the floorboards. He went for a little walk and made three phone calls and scratched his head again and put the carpet back and packed up his tools. Finally, he spoke to me, 'You need to get a joiner to lift the floorboards, I'd do it meself, only if anything went wrong it's more than me job's worth!' After making his speech he headed for the front door and I/we haven't seen him since.
BOILER
Last year must have been a good year as far as funding goes as we finally managed to have our twenty-five year old gas boiler replaced. Well, if you think that I think that the lift is noisey, then you really don't want to know about the new boiler. It works fine, as far as it goes... The only trouble is that it makes a proverbial 'right racket' from the moment you turn it on. Again, we've been patiently waiting for an engineer to come and take a butchers. After a couple of months an inspector arrived on the scene and informed us that the noise was unacceptable. Well, believe it or not, we had already figured that one out. Fine, I said to the nice man (he was a nice man) so what needs doing. 'You need an electrician.' The nice man replied.
OCTOBER AGAIN
The above conversation also took place last October, what is it about October? Well, suffice to say, it is now early January and we still haven't seen an electrician in this house. The noise increases by the day as do the number of telephone calls we make to the suppliers and installers. But, guess what? they have a little book of excuses and it must be about twenty pages long, if that's the case they should be very close to the end by now. Anyway, we or should I say Nicola, only qualifies for this level of funding because she needs it to live independently. And if different bodies can make these things possible, then surely they can also provide the back-up to make sure that these things are suitable for her needs! Or am I barking up the wrong drainpipe again?

Happy New Year...

LONDON.
We've just returned from a few days in London, where we celebrated the new year with old friends. It was good to get away for a little break and I'm now looking forward to new projects starting tomorrow.
BRUCE + SHEILA.
Nic and I drove up to north London to visit an old friend and have some lunch at his local pub. Jack meanwhile, went to the Science Museum with another of Nic's friends and her two kids. After a long lunch we drove down to Kensington to collect Jack for the journey home. On the way back, we drove past the end of a street where many years ago I had worked on a building site. Which reminded me of this little story. We used to travel down to Kensington from Manchester on a monday morning, then work through to thursday afternoon and travel back home. We would spend the three nights away in cheap lodgings in Earls Court and the evenings after work in the local pubs. I remember there used to be a lot of Australians about in those days, and in one of the bars across from Earls Court tube station the signing on the toilet doors read Bruce + Sheila.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Goosed!...

BOXING DAY.
It's Boxing day and I'm well and truely goosed. I woke up this morning with a streaming cold. It was only a few weeks ago when I said that since I gave up smoking, I hadn't suffered from so much as a sneeze. Then earlier this month I came down with that horrible 24 hour thing, I felt terrible, I was either too hot or too cold. This time I don't feel so bad but I'm aching all over and my nose and eyes are streaming. In short, I'm well and truely goosed!
FREE RANGE.
Nicola said she wanted a simple Christmas dinner this year, eventually choosing free-range chicken. No problem, I told her and went out to look for one. My looking involved a bloke in the local pub with a leather jacket. He told me he could get me a free-range goose! So, I went back to Nic and told her that the local farmer was going to reserve us one of his finest birds, specially bred for the Christmas table. Fine, she replied, I don't think I've ever had goose before!.
WHALLEY RANGE.
When the big day came, a couple of nights before crimbo, I went out in search of Farmer Giles. (rhymes with piles, as in, he's got piles of money!) I found him, drinking a large measure of brandy, in the aforementioned inn. How's my goose? I asked him, It's under the table somewhere, he replied. I cautiously lowered my head beneath the pub table, half expecting to be pecked by a live bird. No such luck! There was a single Netto carrier bag on the floor and on closer examination I discovered it contained a previously frozen duck. I couldn't get yer a goose, the farmer started to exlplain... Needless to say, I went elsewhere.
FINALLY.
I suppose the moral of the story is :Never trust a pub farmer!
Finally, it was more a case of Whalley Range than Free Range...
if you get my drift!
261206

Just talking at you...

THE STREETS.
It's funny the way that streets change, sometimes they even change their name. I was looking for a street yesterday and it had disappeared - not completely - but nearly. It was I found, hidden behind a building site hoarding. Maybe one day, when the development is complete, the little street will be returned to the public, as a right-of-way!
THE PARAMOUNT.
I was informed today that the iconic Paramount Theatre building on Manchester's Oxford Street is to be demolished to make way for yet another corporate Head Quarters tower. The Paramount Building is better known of course as the Odeon Cinema. It closed down last year sometime and the building has been boarded up. It's sad to see all these old cinema and theatre buildings disappearing, although if you take a walk along Oxford Street, Oxford Road, Peter Street and Quay Street you will still find many clues as to where these fine buildings once stood.
BATTERY ELECTRIC VEHICLES.
I was reading about the uptake of the electric car within the M25. The M25 is of course the London Orbital Motorway and covers a Metropolitan area of I believe some 900 square miles. The London based daily Newspaper I was reading, mentioned that some 800 people have recently purchased a quirky battery car (their description, not mine). These little 2+2 seater jalopies are made of fibreglass and run on batteries that you can recharge from the mains. Fantastic! But it gets better, if you drive one of these ev's you get free parking in Westminster and most other London Borough's. Not only that, but you don't have to pay road tax. Insurance, is cheap as chips! and guess what? You don't need to pay the congestion charge either! Anything else? I hear you exclaim! YES! I reply. In Westminster you can re-charge your battery electric vehicle for FREE!!! at no less than 26 on street charging points.
MORE NEXT TUESDAY!

Catching Up!...

NO NEWS?
No news is good news, or so the saying goes...
It's not that I haven't any news to impart lately, it's just that I haven't been feeling too good for a few days and all of my computer time has been taken up with Nicola's Newsletter Raw Meat. Okay, so that's the sick note out of the way. So, if you're sitting comfortably, then I'll begin.
We've just reached issue number 75 with Raw Meat and it's a bit of a landmark, as it coincides with the seventh anniversary of issue number one. We issue RM on a monthly basis but for a time while Nic was doing her MA we only did it bi-monthly, if you get my drift, or if you're some sort of mathematician that has multiplied 12X7 in his/her head and come up with a higher figure than 75.
ONLINE.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that not only is Raw Meat No.75 a landmark issue but it is also a turning-point-issue. Yes, RM#75 is the very last paper/printed/posted issue of Nic's Newsletter. From RM#76 onwards, it will only be available Online. You can take a look at it right now, just clink this link
SUBSCRIBE!
With Raw Meat, we don't really want to lose all our old paper and ink subscribers. I know that we are picking up many new readers from all round the world and that is good for Nic's writing, exposure wise. However, I feel that if the Newsletter isn't dropping in through the letterbox once a month, people will start to forget about it. That's why, we are asking everybody and anybody to subscribe to our new FREE mailing list. You can do that by simply visiting the Newsletter site at: rawprintz.blogspot.com and leaving your e-mail address in the form provided in the sidebar. Phew! I didn't know I was going to write all or any of the above until I had started! I hope it doesn't sound to advertacky!

The Google Eye...

GOOGLE EARTH.
I think it might be called 'The Google Earth' it was in the newspapers yesterday and on the local tv news. I know what they were talking about 'cos Jack's got it on the computer and it's pretty good.
The only trouble with it, is that it's about six years out of date. If you don't know what I'm going on about, let me enlighten you.
'The Google Earth' is an online map thing that uses arial or satellite photography, I don't know which! But it's pretty good if you want to go from A-B address-wise.
Jack found our house on the map, and this is the bad bit - it showed our old car outside in the street - we've had two VW vans since that picture was taken - plus the car that we have now which is eighteen months old.
Anyway, like I said he found our house and then he clicked on something he had pre-set and the picture started to fly.
It went westwards to Liverpool then across the Irish Sea and Ireland and out across the Atlantic to New Jersey and landed on the Quick Mart Store that Jack informs me was used in the film Clerks.
Whether he was right or wrong doesnt really matter, as I thought it was a pretty good demonstration.
So, what were all the News Bods up in arms about? Well, the Manchester, Liverpool and Birmingham contingent had discovered that the pictures of their cities were ages if not eons out of date whilst anybody clicking on a London location would find a bang up to the minute picture.
There were/are of course valid reasons for this predicament and like the Google spokesperson said.
Hold on, what did he/she say?
I can't remember, some gobbledegook! But I'm sure it was all true!
TILL NEXT TUESDAY!

Proper Job!...

PROPER SHOW.
I see Frank Sidebottom's got himself a proper job with his new tv slot, the 'Proper Telly Show' on Manchester's Chanel M. I believe it also goes out on sky tv and ntl. Nice one Frank! or should I say Proper Job! like they do in Cornwall. Anyway, the thing about this 'Proper Telly Show' is that it goes out in black and white, then the repeats are shown in colour. How clever is that?
I met Frank Sidebottom once, at the Buzz Comedy Club in Manchester. I was standing at the back after Frank had been on and this bloke came out of the dressing room door. I told him I really enjoyed the act. And do you know what he said? He said, It wasn't me! I've not got a paper mache head! or words to that effect. But he would say that wouldn't he 'cos even his mum doesn't know that he's in showbusiness, does she? Proper Telly! Proper Show! Proper Job! Proper Joe!

What really annoys me #2...

BUS DEREGULATION.
As previously promised, I was going to have a moan about bus deregulation, but everybody else seems to have jumped on the bandwagon and put their twopunnce worth in first. So, just to put the record straight I'm going to reprint a little thing I wrote on the subject in 1991 in my publication WN FUNZINE.
Hi, I'd just like to get a few things off my chest about the 2/8 (two and eight, rhymes with state) of public transport in this country. Firstly, it is painfully obvious that 'deregulation' didn't work. Secondly, the 'mini-bus' psychology of certain operators is a retrograde step.
A) Because it makes our streets reminiscent of a Banana Republic.
B) Most of the so called drivers are madmen.
C) These buses don't appear to run to a timetable.
D) They don't go where you want them to.
E) They are uncomfortable.
F) They are difficult to get on and off, with shopping etc.
G) They are driven much too fast.
H) They are reknowned for 'sailing' past bus stops.
I) They always seem to charge different fares.
J) Only the driver is allowed to smoke.
In closing I might add that ALL Third World economies are mini-bus MAD!
MORE ABOUT BUSES.
Of course there remains a lot left to be said about the state of the nations buses. In Manchester we seem to have reached crisis point. There are two or three big operators and a few other players. Nothing's changed since I wrote the above piece apart from the fact that a lot of the smaller operators have folded. At one time we had the crazy situation of having over seventy bus companies competing for business on our city streets. Now we are back to the near monopoly situation, with private companies in the driving seat (no pun intended) instead of the local councils. Anyway, I'm going to stick a couple of rhymes, on my daft poetry blog, that deal with the bus issue. The first one Buses was also written in 1991. The second one Bus Degradation was a little later, I think 1992. Anyhow, to check them out, you can clink the link marked My Poetry . Or go to McFcuk.blogspot.com or clink on My Poetry in the right hand column of this blog.

Scraping Skies...

THE BEETHAM TOWER.
I looked out of Jack's bedroom window today and I saw the Beetham Tower. Nothing unusual in that, if you know Manchester, you'll know that you can see this sky scraper from more places than you can't. The reason I mention it is because, only yesterday I couldn't see it at all. I looked for it yesterday and the day before that, but it wasn't there. You see, it was there really, I just couldn't see it because of the leaves on the trees. However, the last few days have been quite windy and cold at times and enough of the autumn gold things have dropped off the trees to allow me to see the Beetham Tower.
HILTON HOTEL.
The bottom half of the Beetham Tower is a hotel. And on the twenty third floor, which is sort of halfway up the building, there is a panoramic viewing room. Jack was telling me that when he went to the cinema across the street, in the old Great Nothern Warehouse, he could see a queue of people waiting to be admitted to the Hilton Hotel. How mad is that?
Although, I do know that the view is pretty good from up there, because I used to live on the sixteenth floor of a tower a mile or so away in Salford. From my kitchen window, in those days, I could see the Runcorn Bridge, which is thirty five miles up the Manchester Ship Canal. Heady days!
THE PENTHOUSE.
Before I go, I must mention the Penthouse apartment, or whole top floor, I believe in the case of The Beetham Tower, which is occupied by the architect who designed the building. I've read that it's worth in excess of £3,000,000 (yes, that's Three Million British Pounds!) and that he has imported an olive grove of three hundred year old olive trees from Italy and has replanted them in a giant conservatory on the roof of the tower, five hundred and sixty one feet above the Deansgate pavement. The highest residential accomodation in Britain? Go on Tarzan, eat your heart out!

No Smoke Without Fire...

AT THE DENTIST.
I went to the dentist today to have two fillings replaced. I was sitting in the waiting room, when the fire alarm went off. At first nobody moved, everybody thought it was a false alarm. Then a woman banged on the dentist's door and shouted 'Everybody out!' So all the people in the surgery, including an irate woman at the front of the emergency queue, had to file down the two flights of stairs and out of the building. All the gaspers huddled together and lit their cancer sticks, then they blew smoke over each other and anybody else who happened to be in the vicinity. One of the gaspers burnt himself with his own cigarette. Another one set fire to a piece of paper and they all laughed at the feeble joke 'There's no smoke without fire!' We stood outside for about ten minutes and a lady came round with a clipboard and accounted for everyone. When all the paperwork was done she said we could go back inside. She said it wasn't a false alarm, it was a fire drill!

The Kippax...

WHAT MANCHESTER'S ALL ABOUT.
An extract from a story I wrote for Noel Bayley's book The Kippax - A Celebration in 1994.
"Skinheads and Greasers in the Kippax, dad?" Billy asked. He was just seventeen and the blue shirt that he was wearing with the 'Brother' logo emblazoned across the front was identical to ten more on the field of play and a few thousand more on the Kippax Street.
"That was twenty-six years ago, son." Rocky replied, pulling his New Yorker hat down over his ears and the collar of his donkey jacket up over the wooly thing. "Skinheads and Greasers, Mods and Rockers, Suedeheads, Rockerbillies, Punks, Bovver Girls... you name it son, they've all bin 'ere at one time or another!" he continued, as Swindon stuck the ball into the North Stand net. "Bleedin' 'ell, and we didn't play shit like this in the old days either!" He gasped in not quite disbelief at going a goal down to the bargain basement of the Premier League. 'Come on City, come on City...' the Kippax chanted almost in unison as the game restarted.
"What was it like then dad?" Billy asked, "In your day?"
"Sky blue, white and maroon, Billy, And red and black - all over. I came 'ere fer two seasons and never saw the Blues get beat once, son."
"You must've missed a few matches then dad, eh?"
"Only one or two, son... When yer Uncle Bob got married, that was one of 'em..." Rocky stopped in disbelief as the ball whistled past Dibble and into the City net. "I don't believe it!" he cried, "What are they playing at?"
"Keep your wig on dad, it's been disallowed!" Billy said.
Rocky stuck his hands deep into the pockets of his work coat and consoled himself with his memories, 'Mulhearn, Book, Pardoe, Oakes, Doyle, Heslop, Lee, Bell, Summerbee, Coleman and Young,' he mused. "Yeah, those were the days son!" he said out loud as the game settled down. "We used to sit on the crush bars 'cos we were too small to see over the crowd. An' sometimes we'd stand on the railings at the very back and kick the corrugated iron wall with our heels. They used to call us 'The Kickers'"
"The kids still do all that, dad."
"Yeah, but it was different in those days, Billy."
"Yeah, it would be wouldn't it? You're about forty now!"
"Thanks a lot son. I've always said, 'You're as young as you feel!' haven't I?"
"And how old do you feel dad? Come on, give us a break. Twenty thousand nutters all decked out in the latest gear? When was that dad?"
"Well, that's what it felt like, Billy. It was true for our mob anyway. We was always smart as owt but I suppose you're right. There's always bin a few divvies about... there always will be won't there? But as far as I'm concerned the Kippax is what Manchester is all about!" by Danny Wise (my pen name).

MCFC...

MCFCUK OK, JOE?
I got a bit of stick on a couple of web sites for saying that it was too expensive to go to see City at the new stadium.
I wasn't having a go at City or at City fans and supporters.
Firstly, I am and always will be a City fan.
I may not find myself in a position where I am able to find the money or the time to visit the stadium, so I guess whoever it was that called me an armchair supporter, was right.
I support arm chairs, in fact I wouldn't sit on anything else.
Secondly, because I don't go to the match these days, I can't call my self a City supporter, because I don't support them financially.
I was a season ticket holder for many years at Maine Road.
I stopped going after they made it compulsory to sit down.
The last song I sang at Maine Road was 'You'll never seat the Kippax!'
Yes, my daft poetry blog StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet... is at: www.mcfcuk.blogspot.com

Road Calming...

ROAD CALMING.

What’s all this road calming nonsense about? The truth is nobody knows, it’s just one of those mad mad things. Councils get a bee in their bonnet about speeding drivers and road safety and parking issues. And, in all fairness to them, so they should! The problem is of course, what to do about these issues and how to keep everybody happy, not least central government, who may well whip away significant amounts of funding from local authorities if they aren’t seen to be doing something. In Manchester, the roads are terrible, they always have been and they probably always will be. We used to complain about the poor state of the roads (and pavements) because of the potholes and we still do. However, we now also have to contend with these stupid irrational so called speed bumps and other road calming measures. Recently, the powers that be have started to apply their tar macadam humps to bus routes? How mad is that? The bus routes are also the main roads and therefore the access avenue for the fire, police and ambulance services. I recently watched the TV documentary about the paramedics in Liverpool, who may I add do a fine job. The disturbing thing on the programme was when they were rushing a pregnant woman to hospital, she and her unborn baby felt every speed bump that the ambulance hit.

In Manchester and some other places the solution to the problem could be as simple as burning off the existing asphalt surface to reveal the beautiful cobble style stones beneath. (I say cobble style, because I’ve been informed that they’re actually called setts) In doing this of course the original tram lines will also be uncovered and with a bit of ingenuity applied maybe we could actually see some trams on the streets in the areas where they are needed rather than the hair brained scheme that presently exists.

Just as an aside, I’ll explain that we’ve got three Metrolink tram routes in Manchester, all of them go to places they don’t need to go to. The Altrincham line pre-existed as a very busy suburban railway link. The Bury line also pre-existed, as I think, the only third rail line in Manchester. The Eccles line, the most recent addition to the system, does have some good points, in that it will serve Cornbrook and Pomona if any development ever takes place there and it does enable some of the good people from Ordsall to take the tram with the gentry from neighbouring Salford Quays. The wisdom of continuing it any further in the Eccles direction escapes me, as Eccles already has a railway line running straight through it.

Anyway, back to the road calming bit, thinking about it actually, the answer to the road calming equation would be to re-introduce the street trams we had up till 1949. you don’t see speed bumps in Market street do you? You don’t need them with all those tram tracks coming out of Piccadilly! In conclusion my unwanted/unasked for advice to local councils and to Manchester in particular is to reveal the cobbles and re-introduce street trams. But, will they listen?

What really annoys me...

SHOPPING.
Shopping really annoys me, it's not so much the having to go shopping for food and supplies bit, it's more the stupidity of the kidology of the whole thing! that really annoys me. What do I mean by that? Well, we went down to Chorlton today and called in the Unicorn Grocery to get some good stuff, I bought some buckwheat flour to make gallettes and Nic got some wholemeal rice, as she's eating only brown things these days. Ruth bought a vegan cake and we bought some organic stuff, just to annoy Jack. The thing I like about this grocery store is that they have lots of real food, the thing I don't like is... well it dosen't really matter, I don't get to go down there very often but I have been going now and then since it opened. In fact, I first tried wholemeal pitta breads there and I've been eating them ever since. Also, in the early days you used to be able to pay 10% of your bill in bobbins. Bobbins are the unit of currency for the local LETS organisation, of which I was a member. LETS stands for Local Exchange Trading System, don't you know. I suppose what really annoys me is that the likes of Unicorn Grocery don't have a store front in Moss Side! Now that really would be radical!

Holding the Fort...

THE BANANA FACTORY

We seem to go everywhere, all the time. Our latest escapade took us to Norfolk. I drove Nic down there on Monday so she could stay at some crazy place and visit her friend. The bottom line is, she’s still down there and I’m back in Manchester looking after the fort. Then Jack and Nic’s mum went down to Norfolk yesterday as well. Jack is on holiday from school, so I guess it’s like a big adventure to him. Anyway, the other day when I drove down, we made a small diversion off the route to the Lincolnshire town of Spalding, where we stopped for a late lunch and what some Americans call a comfort break. On leaving the town we first passed a café called Joe’s, soon followed by a warehouse building that advertised the name of a banana importer. It reminded me of The Banana Factory near St Helens, that my mate pointed out to me many years ago when we were on the road. We were driving down some street and my mate said “Do you want to see the Banana Factory?” I thought he was joking of course, but to prove the point he stopped some local kids and asked them where the Banana Factory was. One of the kids replied “Go to the top of the road and turn left, you can’t miss it.”

EVERYBODY’S ACCENT!
With Nic and Jack being away for a few days, I actually managed to watch some television. I usually only ever manage to see Coronation Street and East Enders and sometimes Match of The Day and more often than not I miss at least some if not all of most of them. So it was nice to sit down in front of the box with a cup of coffee and to watch the Evening News programme all the way through followed by the local news bulletin after that. And then, some! Later, I even managed to watch a comedy show. Then a stupid thing I can’t remember the name of but there was a really annoying bloke with a bald head hosting the programme and two teams of two people. On one of the teams was Pam Ayres, which is the only reason I didn’t change channels, she had some younger bloke as her team mate. The other team had Nicholas Parsons on it with some young woman who looked and sounded like a Literary Agent. It was one of those really low budget BBC shows that should have been on the radio. But I watched it ‘cos I like Pam Ayres. On one part of the show they had a couple of film clips where the contestants had to guess the home town of a speaker by his accent. Great! I loved it, what a fantastic idea! Did I say boring show? Not now, this was cutting edge stuff! The only trouble is, when I suggested the idea to the BBC fifteen years ago, they returned my script entitled Everybody’s Accent. And I’ve still got the rejection slip to prove it. Funnily enough, it was only the other day when one of Nic’s helpers asked me why I bothered to keep rejection slips. Now, we all know why! Don’t we?

First Class Post...

MANCHESTER POSTMEN
I see that the Manchester postmen have done it again, no wonder they look happy. I am of course refering to a small bunch from the sorting office on Oldham road. Fifteen of them to be precise, who have just scooped Nine million pounds between them on the National lottery. A spokesman for the group, said that they had kept the same numbers every week from the outset of the lottery, eleven years or so ago.
Which reminded me of a story I read once, about a widow who won the football pools. She claimed that her husband had been playing the same numbers, week in week out for thirty years before he died. She simply kept the same bet going till she won the jackpot.
If I won the lottery I'd just say that I had picked the winning numbers for the past six weeks and this week I decided to buy a ticket. After all, you can't win if you're not in! can you? So the moral of the story is 'put your money where your mouth is!'

NIFTY FIFTY AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
Which is my way of saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister Kim!

Happy Birthday !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR FRANK !

COMING SOON:

METROLINK, MISSING-LINK, ROAD CALMING, ROAD CHARGING, CAR PARKING, PARK AND RIDE, CAR SHARING, BUS WARS, BENDY BUSSES, DEDICATED BUSWAYS, DISMANTLED RAILWAYS, CYCLING FOR SOFTIES, MISSED OPPORTUNITIES AND CANAL WALKING.

FUTURE FEATURES:

SHOPPING, LOCAL PRODUCE, GLOBALISATION, CONSUMER CONSCIENCE, RECYCLING, WHEELIE BINS, BACK ALLEY BLUES, GATED COMMUNITIES AND MUCH MUCH MORE.

My History thingy...

THE FOLLOWING IS THE LITTLE STORY I SUBMITTED TO THE HISTORY THINGY.

History is his story, her story, your story, my story, our story. Maybe, this blog will never be read, perhaps my story will never be told, your story, his story, her story may never see the light of day but somehow our story will survive and someone somewhere, somehow, in a future day will read it.

My day’s coming to an end, I’m tired and I’m ready for bed. My day has been an ordinary insignificant one. I could bore you about the housework I did this morning, enlighten you about the timesaving gadgets that I used. I could tell you about the price of fuel, the price of bread or the price of eating out, but I’m sure that these things are well documented elsewhere. Anyway, didn’t Oscar Wilde (whose birthday it was yesterday) say something about knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing?

I needed some cash to buy things from the local corner shop, the shopkeeper doesn’t take credit or debit cards so I had to take a short ride on my mountain bike to the cash machine outside the bank on the corner of Claremont Road and Lloyd St. There was no point in driving the gas guzzling thing parked outside my house and besides I needed the exercise. So many people never do any exercise in the city, they drive everywhere and park on the pavements, I guess they’ve got no respect for themselves so they don’t respect anybody else’s space.

The bank is in shouting distance of the site of the former Maine Road stadium where my boyhood hero’s Manchester City used to play. Sadly, they have moved to a new football ground called The City of Manchester Stadium, which is where the 2002 Commonwealth Games were held. I used to go to all the matches, but the ticket prices are much too expensive these days. I used to like to stand on the Kippax Street side of the ground, but those days are long gone. A different crowd go these days and the regulations for Premiership games say that the supporters must be seated. I don’t think it would suit me at all.

Anyhow, I rode past the recently demolished stadium, the developers have put up a green fence and are planning to build new houses soon. What a waste, there’s so much more that could have been done to revitalise the Moss Side area. I turned round and cycled back towards the corner shop. Well, it’s after midnight now and I really am going to bed. Good night!

Historymatters.org.uk

MUSHROOM CLOUD DAY!

We've got blacks and whites

and arabs and jews still fighting

and those muslim brothers are

still killing each other down there.

They've got soup kitchens in LA

and red cross parcels in Bombay

and in Moscow and Tashkent

nobody can pay their rent.

Naive, nuke you? but don't you worry

about the brew queue, there won't be any

broth left on mushroom cloud day.

'Cos, you've just lost The Word World War!

MASS BLOG !!!
I submitted the above rhyme to the History Matters - pass it on campaign, which is intending to create an everyday snapshot of life in the first decade of the twenty first century. They're going to compile a mass blog on tuesday the seventeenth of October, to record for posterity how we all lived for a single day. If you are able to take part you can log on to their website at: www.historymatters.org.uk

True Temperance?

MY POLISH BREAKFAST..
It was seven thirty am when I stumbled out of the shower. I dressed and entered a large room which had a panoramic view from the balcony .
“Good morning,” my Auntie greeted me in English, ushering me towards the dining table, which was laid for breakfast. “Minerala?” She asked, pouring the fizzy water into a large glass anyway, and urging me to drink.
I had only taken one sip of the carbonated beverage when my Auntie reappeared with a big jug of orange juice, she poured an amount into a glass and watched me to make sure I drank it. As soon as I started, she presented me with a pot of tea.
“Herbassa?” she asked, and started to fill a china cup.
I was in Poland to visit my dad’s sisters and my cousins. I had done some research on my family history and had found out that nearly all of the Sewina family had lived in a handful of villages near Namyslow, for the best part of four hundred years.
I gulped most of the rest of the bottle of fizzy water down, I needed something to re-hydrate me after all the Vodka and Beer I had consumed the previous day. I picked the tea cup up and started to raise it towards my lips. I could see my Auntie watching me, she had a big smile on her face, she was holding a slice of lemon with a pair of sugar tongs.
"Citrona?" she enquired, releasing the lemon into my tea cup with a little splash!
“Thank you” I nodded, taking a sip of the hot liquid. “Thank you, it’s good!” I said.
Now that I was drinking the lemon tea, my Auntie disappeared into the kitchen again. She soon reappeared with a glass jug of strong coffee, which she placed on a mat on the table in front of me. From somewhere she produced another cup and began to pour the nutty brown coloured liquid into it, she then added two heaped teaspoons of sugar and started to stir. The coffee smelt really good, so I swapped cups and took a slurp of the strong brown stuff, my Auntie, attentive as ever, hurried back to the kitchen and fetched a small jug of milk. “Mileko?” She asked, pouring a little into my coffee and stirring it. I now had five drinks in front of me including the milk. Oh yes, and a table full of good things to eat. There were cold meats, farmers cheese, yoghurts, bread rolls, hard boiled eggs, sliced tomatoes, cold sausages, gherkins, jam and pickled mushrooms. I didn’t really want anything to eat, so I played a kind of musical chairs with the array of drinks. I had a bit of a hangover and I remembered that my cousin’s husband had told me that a good cure was to drink the gherkin water. I looked at the gherkin jar on the table but I couldn’t face the contents. My Auntie, as ever saved the day by opening a bottle of the local beer and pushing it into my hand. It wasn’t quite eight am yet, “Peever, peever!” she said, insisting that I took a sip of ‘The hair of the dog!’ Of course, the moment that the beer touched my lips, she unscrewed the seal from a bottle of luxury potato vodka and threw the cap away, she produced two shot glasses and opened another bottle for herself. I didn’t eat much of the food that morning but my Polish breakfast was one experience that I’ll never forget! Ok, Joe?

THE MANCHESTER TEMPERANCE SOCIETY.
We went to visit a friend at the weekend and he told us that he was having his fortieth birthday bash at the Kro bar on Oxford Road, opposite Manchester University. I told him that my mate told me that, the building used to be the headquarters of The Manchester Temperance Society. I drove past the University yesterday and I took another look at the location, I'm fairly sure that my mate was right, I remember the building myself and if it wasn’t where the Kro bar is now, it must have been right next door. Anyway, years ago me and my mate used to go in the Yates' Wine Lodge on Oldham Street, it was better known as The Blob Shop! In those days and it had spittoons and sawdust on the floor, it also had suicide toilets, they were downstairs and many a time someone would trip and fall down them after one too many Blobs! The bar is still there in Manchester’s re-branded Northern Quarter, today it is called Matt and Phred's Jazz Club. Getting back to Yates', there used to be a little notice behind the bar, it read: TRUE TEMPERANCE IS MODERATION! Ok, Joe?

The Binman's Cafe...

SALFORD
Every time we found ourselves in Salford, me and my mate would go to the binman's cafe. I don't remember if it had another name but all the lads we knew always called it The Binman's in those days. It was an amazing place run by a woman with an all women staff, apart from one little old bloke with a sweeping brush. The building itself was old and looked, smelt and felt like a dilapidated Salvation Army Hostel. But the breakfasts were spot on. You had to order from a small counter where the dedicated toast lady, was always busy burning, scraping and buttering the toast. She had an amazing system, where she would toast one side of about a hundred slices of Mothers Pride, then when the orders came flooding in, she would start toasting about a dozen pieces on the other side. There were always a lot of binmen in the large cafe and they seemed to know their eggs from their bacon. 'You can't beat eggs! can you?' my mate always used to say, as we walked in. Then he'd order The Scrambled Egg Full Monty. Just to disprove his point.
YORKSHIRE
There was another Binmans Cafe in Leeds, that we would use on a regular basis. Again, I can't remember the name of the joint, but I do remember the owner of the place was called Les and he had lots of tattoo's on his hands. We only found Les's Cafe because we were driving past early one morning and we saw two bin wagons parked up outside. 'Pull up here,' my mate said to me, 'they must do a good breakfast if the binmen are in!' Well, I couldn't argue with the logic of that, could I? And of course, my mate was right, the Yorkshire binmen had led us to another Proper Joe's Cafe. Ok, Joe?

To market, to buy a fat ...

PARADISE, SOUTH OF THE IRWELL...

We went to the new market in the Manchester Arndale Centre this morning to buy a fat fish. In fact we bought two, or a brace, as some fishermen say. We also bought loads of fruit and veg and some farmhouse cheese and a couple of cakes and a shortbread-man for Jack.

I was impressed with the clean modern layout of the food market and the excellent access for Nicola's Ziggy. I was even more impressed when I discovered the Pancake House and then the Polish food stall.

There was a Greek take-away called Zorba's and a Thai eaterie too. But to cap it all there was a stall set out like a pub bar, which sold real ale on draught. The sign above the stall said: Paradise Brewery. I said to myself: Proper Joe's Pub! Ok, Joe?

Fifty five minute ride...

IT'S A FACT
Here are some facts and figures from my Fifty five minute ride…

The dry rot church is actually called St Georges.
Dry Rot is the title of one of Nicola Batty's novels.
The Bridgewater Canal is the oldest proper canal in Britain.

Saint Georges Island is built on a former bus depot.
Ziggy is the name of Nicola Batty's wheelchair.
Nic's Doctor is at City Road Surgery Hulme.

The main Chester Road is the A56.
The Hulme Arch spans Princess Road.
The Mancunian Way, A57(M) is the Manchester inner relief route.

Bridgewater Way is the new bit of the A56.
Castlefield Basin, originally Junction, is also known as Castlefield Quays.
The Venetian Church, was built as The Congregational chapel in 1853.

Hulme Lock, Bridgewater Canal - R. Medlock - R. Irwell.
Pomona Lock, Bridgewater Canal - Ship Canal.

The Manchester Ship Canal is Thirty five and a half miles long, two hundred and thirty feet wide and twenty eight feet deep. The fixed road and rail bridges that cross it are more than sixty feet high.

Pomona Strand is an abandoned road at Pomona Docks.
Pomona Docks, Originally Manchester Docks, now derelict, on the Manchester Ship Canal.

Cornbrook Bridge, stepped access to Bridgewater Canal from Cornbrook Rd.
Royce Road, where the first Rolls Royce car was built.

Salford Quays, formerly piers 6 - 9 in The Port of Manchester.
G-MEX, Greater Manchester Exhibition Centre, formerly Manchester's Central Railway Station.

Princess Road, A5103 - City centre - M56 motorway.
Arties Barbershop is on Claremont Road, Moss Side.
Moss Lane, Is the home of Hydes Brewery, they now also brew Boddingtons Cask.

Dublin is the capital city of Eire.
Venice has nearly as many miles of canal as Birmingham.
Birmingham doesn't have a Ship Canal, yet!

Throstle Nest Bridge. There used to be a pub on Seymour Grove called The Throstles Nest.
Metrolink, Manchester's tram system.
Horse bridge. Bridge to allow barge-pulling horses, access to the opposite towpath.

The actual story Fifty five minute ride... is presently being serialised in Raw Meat, you can read it at: rawprintz.blogspot.com

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Proper Joe's Cafe ..

When I was on the road we used to eat out all the time, my favorite meal in those days was breakfast. We went to FAT LIL'S in Sale one day and my mate asked if Fat Lil was in.
The waitress looked horrified, "Do you mean Oversize Elisabeth?" she asked.

We used to eat at all the greasy Joe's Cafe's all over the country. I always ordered the same thing. Double eggs, bacon and beans, two slices of toast and a cup of tea. My mate always asked for 'The Full Monty'.

We used to grade the Cafe's as follows, Greasy Spoon, All Day Breakfast, Morning Coffee, Afternoon Tea, Joe's, Never Again, Bin-man's, Fast Food and Proper Joe's.

Welcome to Proper Joe's blogspot.

I'm making a quick first posting to let you know I'm here.